How to Stop Being the Fixer in Relationships

Fixing might feel good, but it’s the toxic kiss of death to a relationship.

Photo by Alexandre Chambon on Unsplash

Being a fixer sounds like a good thing, doesn’t it? Who doesn’t want a fixer in their life — someone to rescue them from their problems? As a recovering fixer, I’ve learned that while fixing problems for other people feels good, it is actually the toxic kiss of death to a relationship.

The scary truth is many people don’t even realize that they’re the fixer in a relationship. That’s because being the fixer feels good, and having someone else fix your problems feels good. It can take a while before anyone realizes there’s an issue.

So how do you know if you’re caught in that toxic trap?

Subtle clues you might have fixer tendencies:

You might be a fixer if…

• You feel deeply responsible for other people’s emotional stability, satisfaction, or happiness.
• You can’t bear to watch a loved one experience discomfort — even if the uncomfortable circumstance is a natural consequence of their choices.
• You’re quick to step in to solve problems or create solutions for people you care about, and doing so makes you feel happiness or relief.
• You like to be the giver in the relationship.

But… caring about people’s happiness and well-being doesn’t automatically make you a fixer.

Caring for people and wanting to see them succeed in life doesn’t always mean you have fixer tendencies. Neither does living generously and helping people in need.

A fixer doesn’t just solve someone else’s problem, they actually become the solution.

You see, at the core, being a fixer comes from a good — if slightly misguided — heart.

Fixers don’t want to see people they care about experience problems or painful consequences, so they take on the pain and frustration of the problem as their own, and they step in to become the solution to the problem.